|
"Heero Yuy, L6, and the Second Suit Wars "Part 1Written By: ELLE Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from Gundam
Wing (unfortunately) and they were used without permission, but all
the words are my own. Rating: NC 17 Warnings: occurs post-EW, language, angst, sex,
hopefully acceptable OOC, 1st person POV (*shudder* sorry, no way
around it!), plus a ton of minor and a few major OCs (since it's 1st
person, you get to avoid dealing with them too much.) Pairings: 1x2x1 plus others TBD Summary: Jack Kaufmann has no recollection of the braided man who claims they were once more than friends, but his quest to recover his memories leads him to discover a plot much larger than himself that is a threat to the peace he'd once fought to protect... Author's Notes: This is gonna be a doozy of a fic, guys. I'm thinking 100k+. I'll likely update Monday, Wednesday, Friday and then take a brief hiatus between sections of the trilogy just to get all my G-boys in a row, so to speak. ;-P This fic starts off a little slow, in my typical psychological style, but will pick up into an action fic by the end so stick with it, please! =) The lovely Miss-Murdered beta'd this for me and frankly this story wouldn't exist without her encouragement. Oh and some of the topics I'm discussing here are waaaay out of my league so go easy on me, okay? My husband is a computer programmer and I've taken a few classes but my knowledge ends there. I hopefully know enough that I didn't make any glaring errors but no promises.
"Memoirs of a Former Life" 1.6 The Date I stood outside the Zurich terminal, breathing in the crisp mountain air and taking in the picturesque city surrounding me. While Geneva was all about new and most of the old city was torn down over time, replaced with gleaming spires of steel and glass, Zurich had attempted to keep its quaint charm and hailed itself as "the most romantic city in Europe" due to it's old world feel. I suppose I should have considered that when Duo suggested meeting here, but my mind was so altered by the sight of him I didn't even consider it until I was standing in the Geneva terminal, staring at a poster of my destination advertising that fact with a silhouetted couple kissing in front of a charming cityscape replete with cutesy red-roofed buildings and a mountain backdrop. I wasn't sure what Duo was thinking. I hated romance. Maybe in that way I differed from Heero? But would a man who couldn't even smile on New Years Day when his restrained happiness threatened to pour out of his eyes really be the type that was into romantic gestures? "You always gave me anything I wanted," he'd said the last time we met, the kind and gentle words floating up from my subconscious. Maybe Heero wasn't so terribly unromantic after all. Glancing at my watch I noted the time was 4:15 and that the train from Sanc should've just arrived. I turned back around to study the doors of the terminal, waiting to spot the object of my intrigue. I only had to wait another two minutes before he was walking through the doors, his eyes scanning the dispersing crowd and quickly landing on me. A smile broke unfettered across his face and I felt my heart catch at its sight. When I walked up to meet him he looked for a moment like he was going to wrap me into a hug but then thought better of it so we stood there awkwardly, just taking in the sight of each other. "You know, I was betting against myself that you'd agree to Zurich," he finally said to open the conversation. I felt my face contort into a frown. "Had I been thinking, I probably wouldn't have." But that just made him smile all the wider so I didn't mind. "Glad I could be such a distraction." He paused a moment, then looked at me, seeming a bit troubled. "Have you ever been here?" I thought about that question for a moment and realized in light of my predicament I didn't really know how to answer. "Not that I remember," I finally settled upon, the truth as much as it could be. "Maybe after dinner I'll show you around?" he suggested and I nodded, letting him dictate the terms of this date. After all, he invited me. "But let's go! The place I picked gets packed in the evenings and I wanna be out of there before that." He didn't have to tell me twice so I followed him down the winding and confused corridors that were hallmarks of old European cities that hadn't been reformatted to a more sensible grid pattern. Although I began making a mental map in my head, I was glad for his guidance because finding the restaurant initially would've proven challenging. We ended up at a lovely building situated on the Limmat and Duo had apparently placed reservations for us because we were lead up to a rather private booth next to windows overlooking the river and streets below. Perhaps I wasn't much into romantic gestures, but Duo clearly was. Although undoubtedly more frequented than the sushi restaurant he'd taken me to before, this one still had the same homey quality that I couldn't help but appreciate. He quickly ordered us a bottle of Malbec once the waiter came and not for the first time did I feel uneasy that he knew me so well but I knew nothing about him in return. I glanced over the menu in an attempt to hide my agitation and noted the variety of traditional Swiss dishes. Despite having lived in Geneva for years now, I had never sampled much Swiss fare, but then Geneva was a very modern city and lacked establishments of this nature. "The Zürcher Geschnetzeltes is great here," Duo offered, without even picking up the menu. "So is the fondue, but I know how you feel about cheese." "Sorry," I found myself apologizing just to ease the tension I felt. He looked at me the way he had when I'd apologized before - like he couldn't understand what would possess me to say such a thing. Like he couldn't understand who I was. "Eh, no worries," he replied easily and we sat in silence as I decided on an item. I suppose I'll admit to holding the menu long after I'd made a choice, nervous about having to face him and thankful for its place between us. But eventually the waitress came back to pour our wine and take our order and I was left staring straight into his vibrant blue eyes, made even more so by the deep purple shirt he was wearing. I studied him carefully - the way his bangs fell into his eyes, the small scars that marred his face from what I postulated could only be wartime abuse, the way his shoulders filled out that shirt and lead to muscular hands that were calloused and abused and I wondered what he could ever see in a soft, cushioned research tech like me. Heero, his war buddy, former Preventer agent, that made sense. But Jack...? I was disgusted with myself for even considering it was a possibility. He had been studying me as well and I could only imagine what he thought. I wasn't him. Maybe I looked like him, wore his skin, but I wasn't him. "Did you date much since Heero?" I asked at length and Duo seemed surprised. He tilted his wine glass back and forth and took a huge gulp. "I tried," he admitted. "But when your former boyfriend and first love's resume includes free falling from fifty feet and surviving, bending steel to rescue me from an OZ prison, screwing me raw in space under a canopy of stars, and saving the whole damned planet from certain destruction without regard to his own safety, well... makes it kinda difficult for your average accountants and run-of-the-mill bartenders to compete." Duo shrugged then, seeming a little embarrassed, but he'd confirmed for me what I was suspecting. I could never compete with that. Maybe I had done those things, or at least, this body had, but Jack couldn't repeat them. If I had to do them again, I would fail. "I see." My words were terse, a bit more strained than I'd intended, and Duo jumped to apologize. "Look, I don't want you to get the wrong idea, I'm definitely gonna give this a shot," he attempted to comfort me. "I've looked at your research. You're definitely smart enough to challenge me. You still know about many of the things that make me who I am. I mean, fuck, at least you know something about mobile suits. I was piloting years before kids get their learners permit. No one gets that. No one can understand what that does to you, what you become with that kind of responsibility. I just want someone who can understand..." I felt guilty then for being selfish and doubting his ability to love me. Duo was obviously being sincere in his invite out here and he was clearly desperate to find someone who could be sympathetic to him. It was unfair to forgot how torn up he was about this situation and why. I was just looking to explore these deep feelings inside of myself - he had lost his soul mate. Instead of apologizing I looked at him. "I can try," I promised sincerely. This brought his smile back and made my heart soar. For the first time I knew he was smiling at me. Not some distant memory of Heero. Me. "That's all I ask," Duo relaxed, leaning back in his chair with his wine glass held precariously in his rough grip and I thought - I liked him like this. Relaxed. At ease. I guess it was the first time I'd really seen him this way. "So tell me about yourself," I propositioned, leaning across the table and fingering the stem of my glass in a way that I hoped came across as flirtatious and not feral, though I think most people found me the latter. "You know quite a bit about me, but I know nothing about you." "Whaddaya want ta know?" he asked openly, gesturing in a way that indicated he had nothing to hide. "What's a freelance consultant do, for instance?" I asked and he laughed. "Oh, that," Duo waved a hand and seemed slightly embarrassed. "Once you left I quit Preventer in a rather undignified manner - oh, 'Fei would give you a load about how dishonorable it was but I'll let him give you the details sometime - and freelance consultant is just a nice way of saying hired help. I got quite a few connections, especially with Quat, so it really wasn't a bad transition. And freight piloting's been pretty good the past couple years with the L6 installation and the Mars Terraforming Project, so I can always find work there." "You like that kind of thing? The uncertainty?" I asked warily and Duo stared at me for a minute. I was worried I'd offended him until he burst into laughter. "Yeah, we're kinda opposites that way, ya know." He sipped his wine and contemplated his next words carefully. "I was only doing the Preventers gig for Heero anyway. Once he was gone, well, it was pretty obvious the job wasn't for me." There was something he wasn't saying, but I didn't want to pry so I changed the topic by asking about what he did in his off time. Duo expounded at length on his various hobbies and the time he put in at the orphanage where he volunteered. He was describing different children he adored when the waitress came with our food. Pleasure was painted all over his face before he even took a bite and I realized then he had a great appreciation for food. I filed it away as potentially useful information, especially if I was going to initiate a date myself in the future... "I'd like to go with you sometime," I said quickly, before I let myself chicken out. He stopped with his fork buried in polenta and slowly lifted his shocked face to mine. "Go where?" he asked, incredulous. "The orphanage?" "Or not," I replied, feeling like I'd made a terrible mistake. "I understand if it's private and you don't want -" "No!" he corrected, cutting me off. "No, no, I'd love for you to come! It's just..." he seemed rueful and he dug his fork into his food a bit. "Heero would never have wanted to come. I never asked because I knew he thought it was silly and I didn't want to get hurt but I always wanted him to come..." I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at Heero's stupidity. "I thought we already established that Heero was an idiot." "It's not that," he replied quickly, then instantly regretted it when he noticed my curiosity. "Just... makes me think... maybe he would've come, if I'd have asked." I sighed before I could stop myself. Do you know how hard it is to compete with a dead version of yourself? A version of yourself that your date was apparently still in love with and defended so staunchly he had no faults? A version who was assigned all of your limited good qualities? I figured now was as good a time as any to bring up that version of myself as we were already on the topic. "Speaking of Heero, I do have to ask you something," I opened softly, not really wanting to continue but having no other choice. Despite how well I thought this date had been progressing, the fact of the matter was that Duo wasn't ever going to be happy with me. Duo's face looked pained, like he didn't really want me to continue, but he didn't argue so I went on. "What was Heero working on before he disappeared?" Duo harrumphed and blew at his bangs, rearranging the food on his plate for the second time. "Oh, I don't really know, I was pretty frustrated at him then, you know? He was always poring over these books that were as thick as my dick and apparently far more interesting." The crude reference made my face hot involuntarily. "I used to harass him about 'em, I didn't understand why he wanted all these huge books - no one buys physical books anymore - but he always gave me some bag of shit about traceability. I think that's a little extreme, no one cared if he was reading some bull about brain reconstruction except me, because it meant he wasn't paying attention to me." I ignored the petulant tone of his voice in favor of his words. Traceability? I wondered... Maybe he intentionally bought books so that he could take them with him when he became me? I did have a rather large collection of books at home... I snapped back to the present to see him eating angrily and I reached a tentative hand across the table and covered his left fist gently. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up. We were having a nice time." He glared at my hand for a moment before his expression softened and he looked up at me. "Yeah," he agreed with a funny little smile. "We were." "Then forget I asked and let's enjoy this lovely food and this great view you picked out for us and you can tell me more about the kids at the orphanage, huh?" Very briefly he loosened his hand and slipped his fingers between mine, squeezing tightly before he withdrew and nodded, picking up where he'd left off in a tale about the pranks he'd had pulled on him. I was glad to have him smiling and at ease again by the end of dinner and we left to wander the streets along the river as the sun shot brilliant, warm hues through the sky. Duo begged me to stop for ice cream, which I gladly purchased, and we enjoyed it while he led me through the city, pointing out different historic buildings. As the sun hit the skyline we crossed the Münsterbrücke bridge and stood before Fraumünster abbey, it's beautiful blue spire standing out brilliantly against the orange sky and the overwhelming feeling of nostalgia washed over me, like I had been there before and if only I shut my eyes and let go I would remember what I was doing there... "Don't you want to know what your life was really like?" Duo asked quietly. "Your past, I mean. Not me, but before that." I considered it for a moment. I guess I never really thought about it. I had finished my ice cream only moments ago so I slipped the napkin in my pocket and turned to him, the wind tugging gently at his hair so that it slid out of his braid and played across his face. He was even more striking than the abbey tower... "No, I don't think so," I mused. "I had a good life, I think. I dropped out of school at twelve to research AI. I had a good home. Parents who loved me, despite their untimely deaths. I never got in trouble, I never wanted for anything. Is there anything in my past that would've been better than that?" Duo studied the last bit of his ice cream cone intensely and I was worried I said something wrong. He looked on the verge of tears but he turned to me and smiled again, that tiny smile that was weary around the edges, like it hurt him to try. "No," he admitted, "Heero's life wasn't better than that." He dropped his eyes from me and finished the rest of his sugar cone, licking his thumb to get the last bit of stickiness from his fingers. "Duo," I called and he turned his face up to meet mine again. Tenderly I brought a hand up to his cheek, rubbing my thumb across his cheekbone. "It was better. He had you." I felt Duo's body stiffen as I leaned forward and kissed him. And then he was trembling under my lips as he returned the kiss, leaning into me, lifting a hand to cover mine and press it closer to his face. He tasted sweet from the ice cream and warm against the chill in the air and I couldn't imagine anything more wonderful than that moment. When our lips reluctantly parted our noses and foreheads stayed pressed together, our eyes so close they couldn't meet. Our hands dropped and I grasped his other one as well, squeezing them tightly as I leaned forward to brush little kisses against his cheeks and the corners of his lips and his nose and his jaw line. "Will I get a second date?" I whispered in his ear, kissing it and eliciting a small moan from him that made my knees weak and my dick hard. "Yeah," he breathed and the way his hips shimmied against mine as he pressed himself against me drove me wild and while in some ways I regretted that we were in Zurich and not Sanc or Geneva, I was glad I'd had the forethought to agree to neutral territory. I didn't want to ruin this little bit of progress we'd made just to jump in bed with him and fuck it all up. "Good," I mumbled back, unable to come up with anything more intelligible in the heat of that moment. "Fuck," he muttered then, pulling away from me slightly. "I'm going out of town for two weeks on a transport run to Mars." "It's okay. I'll be here when you get back," I teased and he flashed me a bright grin, pulling me forward into another kiss. "You better be, Jack," he emphasized. "I can't handle being left by two handsome men." Although his tone was light and joking, I could tell he was serious. "I will be. And I'll take you out next time," I promised, kissing him one last time as we both knew we had to be heading to the train station. He didn't let my hand go as he lead me back and although I normally wasn't fond of public displays of affection, we'd just kissed in front of one of the most popular landmarks in Zurich so it was a bit late for that now. Plus it seemed to make him happy and that was enough for me. I watched him get on his train with the assurance that I'd call before finding my own. I spent the pleasantly short train ride in a mix between jubilation and discomfort, remembering those lips under mine such a short time ago. But of course my thoughts turned dark and despite the nice date we'd had, I started to doubt him, worrying that he was forcing himself for the sake of being with a second rate version of Heero. So by the time the train pulled into the station I was more hurt than anything else and I drove back to my apartment in agitated silence. I threw my jacket over the couch and flopped down on it, part of me wanting to down a fifth of whiskey and the other wanting to jack off to the thought of him but both felt unfair and both made me resentful towards myself. And then my eyes fell on my bookshelf and I couldn't believe my most important recon mission had slipped my mind. I guess when I was kissing him I thought Jack and Duo had a chance. But now in the quiet aftermath I knew the truth. I stood up and for the first time ever noted just how many books I had on the brain and memory reconstruction. I wanted to laugh! How come I didn't know these were here? But of course I couldn't trust my own head, it'd been altered without my permission and the laughter died in my throat. In anger I began pulling them off, one by one, flipping through them quickly to see if there were any notes. But of course Heero Yuy was better than notes and I found nothing. Until I yanked out a particularly large book titled Circuitry in the Cerebral Cortex. As soon as I opened it a folded piece of paper slipped out and I stared at it laying on the ground as if it were a coiled snake that would strike me if I moved in the slightest. Eventually I shook away my silly superstition and reached down to pick it up, carefully, as my hands were shaking. Trying to hold off from opening it as long as possible I made my way back to the couch and flopped down unceremoniously, staring at the stark white paper. And then I flipped it open. My own handwriting greeted me and I felt the piece of myself holding out that Duo was somehow mistaken, that it was all a joke, that I wasn't really Heero Yuy shatter. If you're reading this it means that you also find it impossible to deny him anything his heart desires, even if it means you have to destroy yourself to do so. Unfortunately I was afraid of that, knowing intimately how his pain haunts me, especially now. You must understand, knowing me and knowing him, I could never have done this if it wasn't vital to his safety and wellbeing. The pain I feel at this moment is overwhelming. I would give up and run away with him if I wasn't sure I was a threat as well. I left you money - take it. Take it and him and run far away from here. You won't be able to reverse this process, the amount of time and money spent to make you who you are today is astronomical, so I implore you not to try. If I have ever made him happy, then you can too, so don't doubt yourself. Please find it in yourself to love him as much as I do and let this matter go. I read the note several times, surprised and upset by its implications. From everything Duo told me, I knew he would follow Heero to the ends of the earth, so his perceived threat to Duo's welfare must've been real enough to warrant these extreme measures. But unfortunately I was again left with more questions than answers. If Heero was going to hurt him, what's to say that I wouldn't? Somewhere in my subconscious mind, I was still him, after all. And if he wasn't the only one out to hurt him, wasn't he doing all of us a massive disservice keeping me in the dark about what that threat was? And who else was involved in the creation of Jack Kaufmann? I guess I always assumed that this had been a small-scale operation Heero undertook alone. Knowing other people were involved in my making without a clue as to who they were felt unnerving, to say the least. I opted for the whiskey then, pouring myself glass after glass until my thoughts were so muddled I fell asleep on the couch.
~ * ~ tbc... |
